wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.