Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
john wicks are toilet candles