[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
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This will never not be funny to me.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Proctology is located in A55
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.