If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.