Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
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horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Life cycle of cat
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.