*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say