I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.