posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.