Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Happy Febuary everyone!
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020