*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Nose
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.