My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
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I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.