Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays