Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them