Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
sugar glider wrangler
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
HERE’S MARKY
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
After 35, your body ages in dog years
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?