Investing in beetcoin
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*