ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
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Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right