I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
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“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.