Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*