i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister