Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)