Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
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My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)