“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
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“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
stand with me against insufficient seating
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Cinematography is my passion
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.