I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
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One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.