Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
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Time is precious, waste it wisely.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”