shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao