“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.