PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
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You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.