i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
a public service announcement
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me