Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said