[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
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When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.