Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
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I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.