Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.