When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
english majors be like furthermore
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*praying for world peace*
God:
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.