My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
You Might Also Like
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
From my Mom
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!