My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Meat Cute
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.