This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable