It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
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Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet