Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
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I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works