This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My blood type is coffee.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.