Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger