Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
nothing saves money like being antisocial
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?