Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
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Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
when revenge coincides with naptime
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally