DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
<- sleeps well with others
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
No, I don’t think I will.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”