Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
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Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
one last job
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”