Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I’ll be mad as hell!
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again