I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
You Might Also Like
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Follow me for more life hacks.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
The asteroid..
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.