A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them