I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?