wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.