A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
You Might Also Like
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I needed a laugh this morning.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.